We're having a BABY!
I am still in disbelief that this is happening and I have so much to share. I will try my best not to word vomit and make my thoughts as cohesive as possible. If you read my blog post from April about family planning, you know that I was really struggling with my running and family plans all in the midst of a pandemic. The fact that racing has been taken away and I’ve essentially held off on having a family because I want to run a sub-3 hour marathon and I’m not sure how my body will recover from pregnancy to do that (please don’t say you’ll be fine or stronger. Every pregnancy and every body is DIFFERENT).
I shared so much in that blog post - my blood work indicating that I might struggle with fertility, my angst about having a baby in a pandemic, my desire to train hard with the time I’ve been given now. As the events of the pandemic unfolded, I realized it would be a long time before racing came back or before I would feel comfortable in a racing environment. At the end of April, Ricky and I talked and decided it was time for us to try. We agreed to try for the summer which would put me having a baby at the latest in spring of 2021 so I could be back running in fall of next year at 36 years old when racing might also be back in some capacity. If it didn’t end up happening, we’d move on from the idea and live our lives happily as we already were.
I didn’t have much time to even understand the decision I’d made or prepare myself mentally to have a baby because we got pregnant right away. I’m happy we didn’t have to struggle, but I’d already thought enough ahead to what we’d do if we did so it was just a real shock. In mid to late May, I started feeling SUPER sluggish on my runs while training for our Team Sugar Runs Virtual Mile Race. My heart rate was extremely high and speed workouts felt like a huge stretch from just a week before. I didn’t feel right and with my past experiences with nutrient deficiencies, I knew something was off. Ricky suggested I was pregnant and I thought it was impossible, continuing to brush it off as unrealistic given my Inside Tracker results. I talked to my coach towards the end of the month and told her that I hadn’t been very good about supplementing and thought my iron might be low again because I felt out of breath on my runs. That night, Ricky and I went and picked up a pregnancy test - just for fun. The next morning, it confirmed I was in fact PREGNANT.
This face is really excited, but also like, “HOLY SHIT”
Queue the 5 million different thoughts that go through your head when you find out that you are in fact carrying a child you might not have been ready for:
Is this really happening??
I drank way too much last weekend for this thing to be ok
How will I take care of another human??
There is an alien inside of me
I’m too selfish to raise a child
I’m too old to do this
F*&K WE’RE PREGNANT
What is going to happen to my body?
I need to work on my pelvic floor
I’m so sad about my running
I was only 3-4 weeks at the time, but it was crazy how quickly my body responded and how fast I realized something wasn’t right. Within 2 weeks of getting pregnant, my body didn’t feel like my own. It hasn’t felt like my own since and if you’ve followed me on IG the last couple months, my posts made it seem like the stress of the pandemic was forcing me to slow down and pull back on my efforts. The reality is a baby was forcing me to slow down and my hips and core felt like I had zero control (seems like that 6 pack I gain during marathon training actually means nothing if your inner core isn’t strong). Also - boobs. I never knew what happened to your boobs when you get pregnant (news flash: if you don’t have any, you actually get some and they hurt like crazy).
My running has rapidly declined over the last 8 weeks. I ran 45 miles the last week of May and then dropped to 33, 25, 18, and the last 3 weeks have just resorted to running with Ricky as he works through our Base Building Guide (so technically I’m building mileage haha!). I got the Elliptigo at the end of July and have been on a few rides with that. I love that it mimics running without the pounding because I think that is what is upsetting my body about running. As you can imagine my endurance has taken a huge hit. Add the heat and humidity of summer and I feel like a slug as my body continues to change and seems to betray my desires to be an athlete in exchange for providing life to another.
Many days I find myself stuck where I didn’t want to be mentally - sad and defeated in my running. Missing my old body that will continue to change from here. Fearful for what is next. Anxious about what my future running will look like. Missing how strong I used to feel after a long run. Part of me realizes that I am still showing up each day and getting in some cardio 7 days/week and that counts for something. Most days it’s only 30 minutes and I’m running far less and much slower than I was before, but I am grateful for movement and know it’s good for me and the baby. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little jealous of all the mamas logging tons more miles than me during their pregnancies. The comparison game is ever present despite there being no races or times to compare ourselves to.
We’re also in a pandemic!!! Like what was I thinking?? I have to go to every appointment on my own. I’m sad Ricky can’t experience any of this (we will only be having one kid - only 14 weeks in and I refuse to do this again haha), but there’s so much information to take in with each visit that is hard for me to relay to him. I also just turned 35 in May (about 2 weeks after getting pregnant) and you basically turn into an old lady once you hit 35, so there’s lots of testing and other things to worry about for our baby. Expectant mothers are now considered high risk for COVID. We were already socially distancing from our family and haven’t really seen any friends. I haven’t hugged my mom since COVID started and its so hard. I’m going to need her help when the baby is born and it feels really difficult to think of the decisions we’ll need to make for our baby’s health when he arrives.
I have always tried to remain authentic with this community who has believed and supported me so much. I felt like I was living a lie with you all the last several months not telling you why my running sucked or why I wasn’t loving it very much. I was even on Marcus Brown’s A Runner’s Life podcast when I was just 8 weeks pregnant (the episode just launched earlier this week) discussing my blog post about family planning and it was hard to talk about a dilemma that was somehow still tormenting me even though I’d already gotten pregnant. I imagine this decision will continue to weigh on me throughout this pandemic and while I figure out what my running will look like because of this decision. While I believe privacy is important, this pregnancy is a huge part of my running journey and will obviously change my running forever.
My Journey to Sub-3 remains without a doubt, one of the most important goals for me to go after and achieve. While the timeline has shifted, as it has for everyone, and my running may look very different for some time, I know that I will get back there. Maybe pregnancy and birth is the pain I need to experience in order to work through those final miles of pain in a marathon that have caused me to crumble and fail before. I hope you’ll stick around even while I slow down for this big life change because my days of running fast and chasing big dreams are far from over. It’s just on pause for now. Thank you all for your support and love for our baby BOY! I can’t wait to share more with you over the coming months!
J
