The Reality of Postpartum Running

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged or shared much about myself or what I’ve experienced since having Quentin. If you’ve followed me for the years prior to having a baby, you know that I’m nothing but honest because I want to connect with this community and that cannot be had without honesty and authenticity. But once I had Quentin, things changed. It felt harder to expose myself and share what I was going through which was probably heightened by losing my sense of self. For so long, I felt like I was on the rise with tons of momentum and very few dips or valleys. Sharing when you’re on the climb is easy. Everyone wants to root for you. But when things get hard and they stay hard, it becomes more challenging to be honest and open without coming across as a bit negative (even if it is REALITY).

Motherhood has been the most transformative experience of my life.

In both good and bad ways, motherhood has changed me forever. I thought I would be running at 12 weeks and not worry about leaving Quentin behind only to realize that running, rather than providing a therapeutic outlet for a very stressed out new mom, became a stressor because I never wanted to miss anything and felt like I had to control everything related to my baby.

I thought once my baby started sleeping longer stretches at night, I would also get the rest I needed to start training more vigorously only to be hit with the most intense anxiety that caused me to visit a cardiologist because the heart palpitations I would get from it wouldn’t allow me to sleep at night.

I thought I’d stop breastfeeding at 6 months (if I even made it that far) only to hold onto it knowing it was keeping my body from feeling more like mine again because I loved the connection with my baby.

I thought I would be some badass human who could do it all: take care of my baby, run my business, keep up with strength training and running, do all the cooking that I used to do, blog, vlog, post, create content, only to realize that I could NEVER do it all and that I did not have the support system in place to even come close to that.

I thought I wouldn’t struggle emotionally or mentally postpartum only to realize that all the therapy I was getting from running wouldn’t be enough for me anymore.

Running is not therapy.

I know we love to say it - running is therapy. In many ways, it is. There are so many emotional and mental benefits to exercise (especially when it is a sport or activity that you enjoy), but it cannot substitute for actual therapy. It took me almost 8 months postpartum to start running again and at that point, aside from the 5 weeks that I ran somewhere in there before having to stop and return to pelvic PT, I hadn’t been running for over 10 months and my body was so de-conditioned. My mind was going bonkers missing all those endorphins. I was a wreck and so short tempered (all the mom rage). When I finally started running, I wasn’t able to get what I needed from it AND it was stressing me out to be away from Quentin and feeling like I was missing something.

So I needed REAL therapy and truthfully only started that about 3 months ago when I probably needed it at about 3 months postpartum. It helps, but therapy is also work and I put it off for so long because I couldn’t think of adding another thing to my plate.

The Quick Return Is the Exception, Not the Norm

I believed that pregnancy wouldn’t change my running even though I knew this would have a huge impact on my body. I saw so many women having quick returns after multiple babies and just crushing it - their first race back was a PR. THIS IS THE EXCEPTION and we are made to believe it is the norm and how our experience will be. I am the norm and my experience is likely the more common one that no one talks about because like I said - negative (realistic) doesn’t come across as the completely fulfilled new mom who actually can do it all and that society expects you to be.

Support Systems MATTER

While I hoped to change this idea of the norm to one that was more realistic, I stopped sharing and have been more reclusive, losing my connection to running and to this community that I valued so much and has always lifted me up when I needed it most. This has likely slowed my running progression even more. I’ve found it hard to lean on others during this time and that has forced me to bear more of the burden and limit my support system that would’ve helped me get back to running and myself faster.

A huge reason why we see women crushing it postpartum is likely because they have a solid support system in place and I’ve always worked hard to keep in mind that what you see is not all of it. There is so much that goes into training and life that is not seen on social media and support systems - childcare, healthcare, family close by, reliable friends, supportive partners and MORE - are all things that aren’t part of the highlight reel, but that contribute greatly to someone else’s ability to succeed.

I’m Finally Ready

In the spring, I was hoping to improve my half marathon time and gain a bit more confidence to train for a full marathon in the fall after Quentin started school and we got some additional support in place only to get knee bursitis which was likely caused by weak adductors (strength is something you cannot skimp on postpartum or in your late 30s and even if you don’t, things will still crop up). So, I backed off and raced some 5ks over the summer that brought little joy or improvement. We finally caught COVID once we sent Quentin to school in July as soon as my running and mental clarity (therapy) was starting to fall into place.

I took 10 days off running, worried what the long-term impact might be for me as someone who has a history of asthma and I came out of it feeling kind of like garbage for about 8 weeks. After getting COVID, I thought, there’s just no way I can train for a marathon. Running 8 miles feels hard, I can’t imagine running 20. My kid is going to be sick for the next year while he catches everything under the sun and thus so will I. I realized that the further and further I got from my last marathon, the more overwhelming it felt to even think about training the way I used to. I didn’t consider there might be other ways to train that would help me get back to where I wanted to be (yes, I’m a coach and train each runner differently, but knew what had worked for me in the past and couldn’t move beyond that one way of training for me). More than that, mentally I needed to be okay knowing that I will likely not be aiming for a PR or a sub-3 this first go around despite telling myself when I got pregnant that would be the only way I would sign up for a marathon postpartum. It was all about time and data AGAIN.

I’ve been craving getting back to what I love about running - ENJOYING THE PROCESS. I enjoyed the process of training so much when I trained for CIM in 2019 and I want to find that, but also truly commit to myself again. Commit to doing something really hard and challenging that is just FOR ME.

I signed up for the Mesa Marathon in February 2023.

Making Sure I Really Am Ready

I’ve been getting bloodwork done for the last several years using InsideTracker. Even when I wasn’t running much postpartum, my body was going through so many changes I didn’t want to be blind to what was going on inside as I started getting back into all forms of exercise. Over various tests, my iron and B12, things I used to struggle with on the low end, have been higher. My most recent test provided optimal B12 and a decrease in iron that is getting closer to an optimal range.

The only concern that has made me second guess moving forward with marathon training is my rising cortisol. Initially, rising of cortisol wasn’t surprising. I’d just had a baby in a pandemic, so yes, I was very stressed, anxiety was heightened, and my sleep was terrible. However, it’s continued to rise even after Quentin went to daycare and my most recent test, while putting all other blood results in a decent place to give things a go (perfection is unlikely), showed even higher cortisol.

It seems counterproductive to start a marathon training cycle and add training stress to someone who is already experiencing stress and the body is clearly indicating that, but all other things were in a much better space so I’ve decided to go for it and I have zero chill.

Goals

Aside from enjoying the process of training, I hope to learn to work hard again. There’s this talk about women getting stronger after having a baby, but in all my 5Ks I raced, I was so exhausted and felt like it didn’t matter much whether I worked hard at it or not. Similar to what kept me from my sub-3 at CIM. The truth is it doesn’t matter to my family, my kid, anyone really except for ME. I need to really spend this time learning to make what matters to me super important.

I’d love to run a 3:10-3:15. This may be ambitious given where I’m at, or not ambitious enough, but it’s a data point that will hit the numbers thing that I like about training.

I want to be strong and feel strong throughout the race. I started strength training with a personal trainer at a gym again and just the last 3 weeks of it has been extremely helpful. I ran a speed workout this past week that proved it is working because the workout actually scared me and I crushed it. I felt strong throughout in a way I haven’t since before Quentin. In my 2019 CIM build, I really focused on the nutrition piece, which feels a little overwhelming for me to focus on at this point. I think if I can make this progression in strength (which is a never ending focus as I age and with the weaknesses pregnancy created), I can maintain it solidly going forward and might be in a position to focus on nutrition more in the next cycle.

And of course, I finally feel ready to get back to my YouTube channel, so I started a series for this marathon cycle. You can check out the first episode here:

As always, thanks for being here and for sticking around while I continue to chase my dreams.

J